Once, twice, three times an abuser

On Thursday, newly-elected San Francisco Sheriff Ross Mirkarimi was in court where he pled not guilty to misdemeanor counts of domestic violence battery, child endangerment and dissuading a witness. The charges are a result of a New Year's Eve encounter with his wife – Venezuelan TV actress Eliana Lopez – that allegedly became physical.

A neighbor to the couple reportedly received text messages from Lopez about the alleged incident and made a video in which – according to a police affidavit – Lopez says, "This is the second time this is happening ... I been telling him we need help and I'm going to use this just in case he wants to take Theo away from me because he did said that he is very powerful and can do it." Theo is the couple's 2-year-old son.

San Francisco Superior Court Judge Susan Breall has upheld an order barring Mirkarimi from contacting Lopez and their son despite pleas by both that the alleged incident is being blown out of proportion.

"The violence against me is I don't have my family together," Lopez said earlier this week. "I'm not afraid of my husband at all."

Many say he just grabbed her arm – allegedly, – didn't actually hit her and that the courts should allow them to move on … together. They say his actions – which he has admitted "something" took place – don't make him an abuser if it happened just this one time. So why not let this happy little family be under one roof, behind closed door, again to carry on with their lives?

Because regardless if this was the first time, one of many and/or will never happen again, there are clear signs that this situation is one of domestic violence.

Battle of the bald continues to ignore women of color

On Wednesday, I saw reports about a recently created Facebook fan page encouraging a new look for an old favorite – the Barbie doll.

The "Beautiful and Bald Barbie! Let's see if we can get it made" campaign, which began in early December, reported about 15,000 fans on Wednesday morning. Today, the page has more than 37,000 fans (I witnessed a 600 fan jump in a 15-minute time span last night).

The creators of the fan page say, "We would like to see a Beautiful and Bald Barbie made to help young girls who suffer from hair loss due to cancer treatments, Alopecia or Trichotillomania. Also, for young girls who are having trouble coping with their mother's hair loss from chemo. Many children have some difficulty accepting their mother, sister, aunt, grandparent or friend going from a long haired to a bald." [sic]

I commend these women for wanting to shed a greater light on the issue of how young girls are affected by cancer and other diseases, whether it is directly or indirectly. It is difficult enough growing up in a society where they are bombarded with looking a certain way, being the perfect size and wearing the right clothes and accessories without then having to try to fit in with their peers when they’ve lost their hair.

Reportedly, the two women, the growing fan base and others have deluged the Mattel company – maker of Barbie – with letters and phone calls, with their vote to create a new doll that would be so inspirational to tens of thousands young girls and would teach millions of others a little more about acceptance.

Mattel confirms it has received the requests, but reportedly doesn’t take ideas from outside sources. However, if the toy company does decide to create a doll for this segment of society, I’m not sure if I’m entirely on board with the idea.

New Year, New View, New YOU!

If your year was anything like mine, you are saying to yourself, “Boy ... I’m glad that’s over!”

I mean it wasn’t all bad. There were some things that were overwhelmingly great - for example I turned the Big 50 and got to spend it with family and many of the friends who mean so much to me. But all-in-all, it was a year of change and 12 months of challenges.

The economy has not gotten much better from when it tanked two years ago and the unemployment rate is still more than 8 percent in the U.S. This has affected friends and family members, not to mention my own household.

There are some of  you who lost a parent, a loved one, a colleague or friend. You’ve gained way more weight than you wanted to or became ill at some point during the year. You got tired, depressed, frustrated with life and vow that 2012 is going to be better than 2011 turned out to be.

Many are waiting for the clock to strike midnight on Dec. 31 so that you can toss out the old and begin with the new.

But what good is that going to do? How will turning a blind eye to what happened this year help you have a better one next year?

I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “Those who ignore history are bound (or doomed) to repeat it,” right? If you haven’t - or hadn’t paid much attention to what it really means - know that having a successful New Year has less to do with ridding the old and embracing the new as much as it has to do with evaluating the old and creating a “new” that focuses on what makes you happy, complete and keeps you moving forward.

Too many people get stuck when things don’t go their way; I’m guilty of it myself. But I’ve learned that it’s at that time that, when you hit the roadblock, that you need to Stop, Think, Listen and Do:

STOP: When a “situation” or “event” occurs, the last thing you want to do is react. Sure, it may feel good and allow you to get even, which is your immediate goal, but when all is said and done, you will regret your actions or words at some level. Instead, don’t do anything, get to a quiet spot ASAP.

THINK: When you are over the immediate pain, confusion or sadness, ask yourself these questions - What just happened? Why did it happen? Where do I go from here?

LISTEN: Whether you believe in God, Allah, Jehovah, some Higher Power or the Universe, if you ask what to do next in any situation and tune out everything else, you will hear the answer. And I do mean “hear.”

DO: Now the hard part for many. Whatever “words” you hear, what sign you may receive, just do it! It might not be the answer you wanted, but that doesn’t matter. Too many of us do the opposite and find ourselves in the same or another place we aren’t happy with. Remember ... “Those who ignore history ... ?”

So instead of using the New Year to make a new path, I hope you realize that the path you are on is yours for a reason. Getting off of it will do more harm eventually.

Stay on the path, but look for the detours and take them. If you trip over a pothole, get up and keep going. Those friends and people along the side - if they don’t join you, root for you or give you a cup of water along the way, ignore them (and don’t think that is mean cause that is exactly what they are doing to you!)

Keep moving forward and look back only to see what not to do. And if you stay the right course and don’t waver, people and circumstances that aren’t supposed to be on your path, will drop by the wayside. No need to push them off the road, a truck will be by to take care of it if they remain on YOUR path.

Make the New Year about YOU - your hopes, your dreams, your health. Because if you aren’t around, what good will you be to anyone, much less yourself?

Originally printed at myshadesmagazine.net.